Guilt Guilt and More Guilt...

Just when I thought I was feeling better.

Last night I went to dinner with a group of my dearest friends.  We got caught up on everyone's lives, kid problems, aging parent problems, and when it was my turn, I told them that Stanley is taking the kids to the beach for a week in June.  I got the 'why don't you go?'

Well.  Because I am divorced.  And just because we bird nest and see each other all the time doesn't mean we want to spend the week together on vaca.  He has a week with kids and I have a week with kids in the summer.  Right?  Isn't that how this is supposed to work?

Then I got the, "I don't see how you can leave your kids" and a look down sideways at her plate.

Wait a minute, was that judgement from you?

Backtrack:  Before I got there at the restaurant to meet them for dinner I told another one of my friends that this was going to be the first time in 2 years that I had been with them and not cried about my marriage/divorce and that I was so grateful for their friendship and patience and support. 

Yeah, not so much. 

 So, I see the judging look and cannot FUCKING believe that she said that, and I went all apeshit and got all tearful and told her/them in no uncertain terms that I HAVE NOT left my kids that I bird nest FOR my children, not because I can relish being with Stanley because most of the time I CANNOT, and that every thing I do, I do for my kids. I keep a bag packed in my closet all the time because of my kids.  And so does Stanley.  But it isn't in his closet it is in the middle of the FUCKING floor.

And just a reminder. No one is perfect.  Although I didn't bring up all of her imperfections.

We all have our problems people.

Well, she fast backtracked and said that she just meant she couldn't stand not to be there, for 'making memories' and that she thought I was a wonderful mother.  Yada Yada, the damage was done, the guilt had set in.

I love this friend and I will not hold it against her.  But with my recent divorce, it is always about a 5 minute walk from OK to Guiltville, even when I think I am moving away from it.

Then, this morning Jumping Bean heaped me with it.  

I keep talking about how great my kids are doing with our divorce and bird nesting, and she went down the 'I don't like this rotating business and I want you both to be here all the time'.  It is the last day of school little dude.  Your life has hardly changed through this.  She sees her dad as much as kids from intact families whose parents travel for work.  She sees me everyday because I pick them up from school.  I will be here every day during the summer because I set my schedule for work, although I will be off some nights per our regular schedule.  

I guess I will spend some time this weekend talking to her about it again.

I'm really doing the best I can here people. 

I just got a call that my sister in law's sister died.  There are people everywhere, at every turn, that are going through something worse than me and my kids.  It is just life.  We will all be ok.

 

Defining Me

My head is like this again.  

I had a call from a friend today who is in the beginning of the divorce process.  She is actually hoping it won't happen still and for her I hope it all works out.  She talked about being nothing but a 'wreck' and feeling like a failure.  I felt so sorry for her and where she is.  It was all too familiar.   I still feel that sometimes but I see myself moving out of that stage now.   There is life out there and divorce does not define you but it sure as hell feels like it does in the initial stages. 

Remember my monkeys?

Shame and his brother Failure

Divorce does not define her or me or anyone of us.

It isn't what or who we are. 

'Divorced' is just a stupid adjective to me now.  I am divorced, like I am blonde,

like I am verbal, like I can be inpatient with Stanley.  Nothing more. 

Tonight I had dinner with a dear friend.  I told her about my renewed energy finally to get in shape again.  She is very fit and eats healthy all the time.  So, it was a very dangerous conversation because I am defensive about my pudge and when you start a conversation like that with a fit person there is a lecture sure to follow.  And it did.  Like we don't know it is all about portion control and exercising.  I mean really.  We all know we are supposed to exercise.  She did make a statement that has me thinking (Danger, Danger sirens blaring). 

She said that her biggest fear since she was an early adult was 'being fat'.

 

 Thus she has worked very hard not to be fat.

Well, that is my problem then!  My biggest fear has never had anything to do with my weight or how I look or anything like that.  My biggest fear as an early adult was that I wouldn't have children.  I really, really wanted to have children and be a mom.  Not that I thought that I would be excellent at it, I gave that no thought at all, I just knew that when I die, I would feel like I had really missed something in life if I didn't have a child.  Of course 3 children doesn't exactly promote svelteness.

But, I worked very hard not to be childless.

My weight also does not define me.  It is just another adjective.  

But motherhood definitely does.

I will be taking a poll over the next few days among my friends of their biggest fear.  So far I have received one;  "my biggest fear is ending up alone".   I agree, that is as scary as hell. 

 I'd rather be fat than alone.  Fat people are jolly and have friends.

Of course I would rather be thin than fat so it is the stripper pole class and Weight Watchers for me.  Did anyone see Betty Draper at Weight Watchers on Mad Men?   After class she went home, opened the fridge, sprayed RediWhip into her mouth (come on, who hasn't done it?) and spit it out in the sink!  All of that and she only lost a half a pound!  Poor Betty!

(Of course January Jones has been eating her placenta. I wonder where that falls on the food pyramid?)

Just to recap because this was a hot mess;  I will not be defined by failure or my divorce; I will not be defined by chubbiness.  I will allow 'mother' to be in my definition.  This is a work in progress.

Might have to try that RediWhip trick.

 

Yes, Bitch! The kids are more important than you!

I am amazed at the number of responses I get like this when I tell people about bird nesting.

Oh my God, I could just never do that.  I could never bear that sort of inconvenience.

Really?  Not even for your children?  They didn't ask to be born into a marriage that had problems. I wish to God I didn't have to do this either.  It is hard to see Stanley so often.  The things that he does that irritated me before the divorce have only gotten more irritating and sometimes the very thought of him makes me want to dig in my purse.

Also, I have been HIGHLY irritated because I have read some blogs online where women are asking asinine questions like,

why can't my boyfriend put me over his children?

To that I say, 

Because he can't bitch!

I hope to God that he never ever puts your skanky ass over his children. 

I have recently seen blog posts where there are declarations from women who are angry because the boyfriend has been out of town and came back into town on his kid day and there was hell to pay because he didn't ditch the kids to spend the evening with them. 

For real.  They are his children.  They didn't ask to be born into his chaos and your drama. 

Part of being an adult is realizing your responsibility to people who are dependent on you.  I don't know how people sleep at night that don't feel that responsibility to their children. 

 I try to put myself into their heads and I have determined that they are thinking that they will put the kids first tomorrow.  Or they will be a better parent tomorrow.  

Like when you are on a diet and you are going to do better tomorrow.  

I for one, am going to start exercising tomorrow. 

But I just can't see how you can do that with kids and get away with it.  Because kids will leave when they grow up and they don't have to come back and see you, or be close to you or take care of you when you are old.  There is such irreparable damage that can be done.  I see it among my clients everyday.  

I would never respect a man that didn't put his kids first.

There are many reasons not to bird nest.

 At the top is the inability to communicate with your ex spouse without conflict.  

But 'because it would inconvenience me' is not a good one.

Parenting is serious and your kids always come before you.  

You can put yourself first, but start picking out your nursing home now. 

Because taking care of your old ass is going to be highly inconvenient.

Just my 2 cents.