I am discovering the difficulty in not trashing Stanley in front of the children. I know that every divorced parent goes through this. With nesting, on occasion I even hear Stanley saying dumb shit (usually when I am in the next room) and I want to tell the children so badly that what daddy is saying is extremely questionable and I don't agree.
For instance, I heard Stanley telling the children that Valentine's Day is a hallmark holiday (like they know what that means), and stupid and all for money, oh and stupid. He was practically shrieking it.
Ok, Stan the man, you sucked OUT LOUD at Valentine's Day. Also, at my birthday, Christmas and Mother's Day.
I don't want my children to learn from him that it isn't important to make their significant others feel special on special occasions.
Because sentiment is important to most people. I remember while doing my clinical training in group work this girl in the group said that her boyfriend never remembered her birthday, etc.
The therapist I was observing said, "is that important to you?" And she said, "Yes". The therapist said, "well then you better move on, because if he can't remember now and it isn't important to him then he never will and you are going to have disappointment on those days every year of your life." I thought those were wise words. I swear I meant to heed them.
Now to be honest, Stanley faked it when we were dating. He gave me a strand of pearls for my birthday the year before the wedding. I was thinking I had a winner. I was tricked! Tricked!
I do have one friend who doesn't care about Valentines Day. She says she isn't sentimental or romantic and it doesn't matter at all. That is ONE friend by the way, out of many, and I imagine that if her husband (who is very sweet) forgot her birthday or Christmas there would be hell to pay.
I have another friend who has a happy marriage except on Valentine's Day. As the day approaches she says she is gearing up for their annual Valentine's Day fight. He is of the mindset of Stanley, that it is a financial scheme concocted by big businesses to rid men of the money they must spend to make their irrational wives, who have fallen prey to this brainwashing, not feel left out when their friends receive flowers at work. Her husband is sweeter to her every other day of the year than VD just to make a point! And every year she gets her feelings hurt and cries.
This makes me wonder if he wakes up every Valentine's Day and makes a conscious decision that his point is more important than her feelings. I'm hoping that every year he just 'forgets'.
**Disclaimer: As previously mentioned, the other 364 days of the year he is a really sweet and thoughtful husband.
One year, I told Stanley not to 'do anything' for my birthday. We had just bought a big ticket item and what I meant was, don't buy me a present. What he did was nothing. NOTHING. Not even a card. When I realized that he was going about his day with no plan for my birthday at all (and the children were little so it isn't as though they were able to do anything without him) I got in the car and drove around and sobbed. His response when I came in all tear-stained and upset was that I had told him 'not to do anything'.
Ok, Stan the man, you sucked OUT LOUD at Valentine's Day. Also, at my birthday, Christmas and Mother's Day.
And look how that turned out!
Because sentiment is important to most people. I remember while doing my clinical training in group work this girl in the group said that her boyfriend never remembered her birthday, etc.
 |
| Group therapy. The biggest problem of some of them is that they were assholes. |
The therapist I was observing said, "is that important to you?" And she said, "Yes". The therapist said, "well then you better move on, because if he can't remember now and it isn't important to him then he never will and you are going to have disappointment on those days every year of your life." I thought those were wise words. I swear I meant to heed them.
Now to be honest, Stanley faked it when we were dating. He gave me a strand of pearls for my birthday the year before the wedding. I was thinking I had a winner. I was tricked! Tricked!
I do have one friend who doesn't care about Valentines Day. She says she isn't sentimental or romantic and it doesn't matter at all. That is ONE friend by the way, out of many, and I imagine that if her husband (who is very sweet) forgot her birthday or Christmas there would be hell to pay.
I have another friend who has a happy marriage except on Valentine's Day. As the day approaches she says she is gearing up for their annual Valentine's Day fight. He is of the mindset of Stanley, that it is a financial scheme concocted by big businesses to rid men of the money they must spend to make their irrational wives, who have fallen prey to this brainwashing, not feel left out when their friends receive flowers at work. Her husband is sweeter to her every other day of the year than VD just to make a point! And every year she gets her feelings hurt and cries.
This makes me wonder if he wakes up every Valentine's Day and makes a conscious decision that his point is more important than her feelings. I'm hoping that every year he just 'forgets'.
**Disclaimer: As previously mentioned, the other 364 days of the year he is a really sweet and thoughtful husband.
One year, I told Stanley not to 'do anything' for my birthday. We had just bought a big ticket item and what I meant was, don't buy me a present. What he did was nothing. NOTHING. Not even a card. When I realized that he was going about his day with no plan for my birthday at all (and the children were little so it isn't as though they were able to do anything without him) I got in the car and drove around and sobbed. His response when I came in all tear-stained and upset was that I had told him 'not to do anything'.
REALLY STANLEY?
REALLY? Are you that literal?
I should have demanded to see his diplomaFROM STUPID SCHOOL
But in truth, he isn't sentimental in any way. He doesn't send his own mother a Mother's Day card or anything for her birthday. I sent them to her myself early in my marriage just so she wouldn't get her feelings hurt. Over the years I decided that she is such a bitch I was under no obligation to be thoughtful to her for her son. She raised him. She ought to know the truth of how he turned out.
Several years ago my dad had a procedure on his heart. I didn't say anything to Stanley about it that evening because we were already in decline and tense around each other. After that, I will admit it kind of became a test. He didn't remember to ask me about it for 4 days! 4 days! But really, if it had been his own dad he wouldn't have remembered either. He thoughtlessness is global.
And just because he is and we know this
Does not excuse it or make it right
I don't want him to be the person that teaches my children, even 50% of the time, how to be thoughtful of other people. I want my son to grow up to be a sensitive and romantic man. I haven't yet figured out how to be a male role model. I have penis envy.
Now I feel like I've missed my opportunity with that lesson. Because I really don't want to start trashing him to them when he isn't here. In hindsight, I wish I had hollered into the other room,
"Really? Really Stanley? You think Valentine's is stupid?
How did that work for ya?"
How did that work for ya?"
In all likelihood, the kids would have laughed but my point would
have been made.
have been made.
Now, he has a girlfriend. I have no idea how serious they are but I hope it works out. He is happier now and easier with the children since he started getting some
she came around.
As a matter of fact, I am so scared of his screwing it up that I have been toying with the idea of telling him that I think he should do something nice for her for Valentine's Day. I've already offered to keep the kids. I'm having visions of sending her roses or buying her chocolate from him. I could pay for it out of the nest account!
she came around.
DO NOT SCREW THIS UP STANLEY.
Rebound relationship or not, I'm IN!
Happy Valentine's Day to all of you. I will be surrounded by the love
of my children and trying to model for them that sentiment and
doing special things for others can be a good thing.
(And hoping that Stan the Man is getting his groove on) Cross fingers!
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