BLESS HER HEART

One of the questions I get most often is the 'where do you go when you are off?'  Well I will answer this.  So don't ask me again (j/k).  

Digression:

Don't you love how people (ok, maybe it is just Southern people) say really horrible things that they mean to the depths of their soul and then say 'just kidding' so you don't get offended?  Really, nobody buys that shit, we all know you mean it. 

Further Digression:

In addition, Southern women do the "BLESS YOUR HEART".  Daily.   Southern readers, do not deny it because if you do your pants will be on fire.

We say things like:

"Hey Gurl!  How are you?  Oh my GAWD, you look GREAT!"  

And as soon as she moves 3 feet away it pops, either in our heads or usually out our mouths.  It is the dreaded:

"Bless her heart!"

Which is always followed by some awful attribute or thing that has happened to her.

"Bless her heart, what has she done to her hair?"

"Bless her heart, I hate that dress!"

"Bless her heart, I heard her husband drinks."

"Bless her heart, she will never get another man with that nose!"

It is a terrible thing and I have no idea who started it and taught us so well that it is almost like breathing.   Who taught us to be so critical of other women?

I suspect it was Aunt Mae that taught me. I intend to blame her for everything.

It isn't as though women don't have enough on their plates.  And we are critical enough of ourselves already.

Why didn't they teach us to be more critical of men?  

My mother will excuse a man for anything.  Our conversations went like this. 

Me:  "He won't talk to me, I'm so lonely."

Mom:  "Well, they don't talk to us, lower your expectations."

Me: "He hurt my feelings and I couldn't stop crying and he rolled over and went to sleep."

Mom: "Well, I wish I had a dollar for every time my feelings were hurt and your dad rolled over and snored like a big dog." 

Me:  "He doesn't engage with me at all."

Mom:  "None of them do."

Me: "He's lazy with me.  He doesn't think of me or try at all."

Mom: "Tell me about it.  You just need to lower your expectations.
Me:  "I have!"
Mom: "Well apparently they are not low enough!" 

Stanley would have worn this, no shit.

Finally you just hit rock bottom with those suckers.

and you are left with nothing more than a

Libidious Pet Rock

And unlike my mother, I decided that I didn't want to live my life having no 

expectations for my lover and life partner.  

Because that would make me a 

dumbass

I could see into my future and see myself becoming dumber every day and my soul withering up like Maggie Smith. (Love Downton) Looking back at my marriage I can see now that at some points that was not a far trip.

And by the way, bless this girl's heart!  I had forgotten all about her and she popped up when I typed 'dumbass' into Google images!  For reals.  How is that for a way to be remembered? 

I have now digressed so far that I can't find my ass with both hands.  I'll just sum it up.

1. Women, we have to get off the back's of other women.  We are all doing the best we can!
2. Men, shape up!  Our expectations are getting higher!  Don't you dare buy one of those fucking t-shirts and think it is funny!  (Stanley would have thought it was hilarious and I don't like him!).
3. Girl up there!  You need to come up with something else to be famous for.  For God's sake, make a sex tape or something! 

Oh! The answer to where I go when I am off is to the CRASH PAD.  My parents are the lucky sort that have another home on a lake that they frequent and also sometimes they go off in their RV so I crash here when they are out of town.  Which is about all of the time because my dad is in pursuit of something and drags my mom all up and down the road.  My dad has also offered me the RV in which to crash, but mentally, I'm not there yet.  It is saving me a boatload of $$ not to have to rent an apartment.   Stanley crashes at his girlfriend's house.  

Bless her heart.